Why do we fear to fail?
I’m not sure where this idea comes from.
How many times did we fall down before we learn to walk? How many times did we babble before we
learned how to talk? Failure is part of
learning. We try to do something. It doesn’t work. We try to figure out why it
didn’t work, and then we try again applying our new knowledge. This is the process of learning, and yet
somewhere between learning to walk and learning to read, my daughter decided
that failing was bad. I think we all
did.
There are two truths I would like to instill into my
daughters.
1.
That failure is awesome. You learn and grow and become better through
failure than you ever will through success.
Embrace your failures and learn from them.
2.
If something is really important to you, don’t ever
give up. You may never be the best, but
you will always get better.
I really think that these two principles are the secret to be
successful in anything. Natural talent
is great, but it’s not going to help you at all if you don’t buckle down and
work hard. And even if you don’t have a natural
affinity for something, anything can be learned. Every failure is an opportunity to learn, and
success is all about persistence.
~MaryAnn
So true. Failure teaches us more than success ever will.
ReplyDeleteWe do, but I think it is so easy to forget that.
DeleteWhat an astute observation about the big "F" as you call it. I have a daughter like that too, who forgets the reason we are in a class/life/opportunity it to learn--not to just show we have it mastered.
ReplyDeleteWe try to cultivate being a good student, there are no stupid questions, etc. but really, I don't know it either. Just entered my MS in a contest, and wasn't one of the "chosen" ones. Took me some suffering to realize it's all a process, rework that query, and remember the words of your blog!
~Just Jill
Absolutely! I know it is tough because we all really do want to win or be "chosen," but the lessons we take away are worth so much more than any prize. :)
DeleteGood luck reworking that query.
Trying new things and doing hard things are two of the keys to developing confidence. Not "memories of trying new things/hard things." It's got to be an on-going thing, and of course, that presupposes that if you are going to be confident, you are going to have to learn to live with failure. It's such an interesting paradox. Great post, MaryAnn!
ReplyDeleteI wonder if we start fearing failure as we get older because we do stop trying new things. When we were toddlers, everyday was filled with trying new things and failing at them, but as we get older we tend to do the same things that we are good at day after day, and we don't try new things very often, and we become used to success and failure becomes something to fear.
DeleteSorry, your comment made me think. :)
I do like your paradox. I agree that trying new things and doing hard things is the way to build confidence. I do think that truly confident people are those who don't let failure get to them (they call it setbacks). They know eventually they will figure it out.
I am definitely afraid of failure. I always want to be exceptional - or at least good enough - at the present moment. I mentally embrace learning from failing, but when I do fail... let's just say the butthurt emotions have to run dry first before I realize all the progress I can make. =)
ReplyDeleteYeah, it is hard to not feel sad about failing. There is nothing wrong with a little morning period as long as you pick yourself up and don't give up. :)
DeleteIt's always amusing when I try to encourage people who suck at math. I tell them it gets easier as you go along and they tell me: "That's easy for you to say! You never sucked at math! You're Math Boy!"
ReplyDeleteThat's when I tell them I was this close to failing first year of high school because I could not get a positive score on my math tests. I tell them I spent three months behind a desk, doing math exercises to the point where the paper pile was high enough to comfortably sit on. I barely passed that exam but I did.
Then I was crazy enough to study physics, where the whole math story repeated itself, only this time I DID fail and had to do my first year all over again. And then the same thing happened in my second year.
Sometimes I really think I should've picked a different subject to study. Too late to change my mind now, I'm a graduate. :)
When people see success, they tend to interpret it as 'talent' rather than 'hard work'. Because hard work is exactly that. HARD.
Martin, thanks for sharing your experience. It really is exactly what I was trying to get across. I love math because it is hard. I really think the trick to doing well in a math class is to do lots and lots of problems so that you get all your failure out of the way before you take the test. Because math for me was all about trial and error. I worked the problems until I figured it out. It never came easy. :)
DeleteI love what you said at the end about people seeing success as talent instead of hard work. that is so true. I really hate that view because it suggests elitism. That some people are just naturally superior in certain ways. I don't buy it. Success comes from hard work, pure and simple.
Yes! I wish I didn't feel so familiar with failure, because it hurts, and makes dreaming more difficult.
ReplyDeleteI read a blog today about survivor bias. http://youarenotsosmart.com/2013/05/23/survivorship-bias/
It's about how often people try to emulate success by emulating successful people, when most people who find success have a certain amount of luck involved. So sometimes the advice successful people give to explain why they didn't fail doesn't mean it'd work for all people. Sometimes it's just being in the right place at the right time working your butt off.
Anyway it's interesting. As is this post!
Wow, that post was really long but really awesome too. Everyone should read it. Thanks for the link.
DeleteAnd Sheena, I think we are all far too familiar with failure, and it does hurt, sometimes more than others. Honestly, I think scientists are so smart because they know how to fail. Most research projects ends in failure, and if you are going to make it in science you have to learn to pick yourself up, dust off the disappointment and try again. I think that was the greatest thing I learned in grad school was how to fail and not let it keep me down.
FYI, this is exactly why drugs are so expensive. Every newly discovered drug has to pay for thousands of failed ones.