No one ever appreciates the seagulls

All right, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to call it: I'm done with zombies. They've jumped the shark and are now flailing on the ground, weak ankles broken from their leap.

There's no specific event that's brought this on, rather than the fact that I'm reading Ex-Heroes by Peter Clines, which is a book about the zombie apocalypse - with superheroes. It's an amazing concept, and a well-written book, but I can't find it in myself to feel even a frisson of the terror I used to when imagining myself being pursued by a mindless horde of flesh-eating monsters.

But maybe it started before that, because every since* I've read that article by David Mizejewski, I can't help but think, when considering zombies, why does no one ever think of the wildlife?

Mizjewski says, "The thought of being eaten alive is a natural fear, and when it's your own species doing the eating, it's even more terrifying. Relax. Next time you're lying in bed, unable to fall asleep thanks to the vague anxiety of half-rotten corpses munching on you in the dark, remember this: if there was ever a zombie uprising, wildlife would kick its ass...
That's because zombies are essentially walking carrion, and Mother Nature doesn't let anything go to waste."

Birds would be especially helpful.

Many birds feed themselves by scavenging on dead things. The two vulture species native to North America, the turkey vulture and the black vulture, flock up to make short work of any corpses they find. Both vulture species are dwarfed by the massive California condor, whose wingspan can reach 10 feet and which relish carrion. A sluggish zombie wouldn't stand a change against one of these giants or a flock of vultures...  Many species of gulls, known for their brash behavior when it comes to scoring a meal, would also gladly feed off slow-moving zombies."

So after having had this article rattling around in my skull, it bothers me that no writer (that I'm aware of) has even attempted to discuss the scavenger issue. I suppose they could say that zombie flesh is unpalatable to scavengers (implausible), or that it's toxic to them somehow (less implausible). In any case, now every time I encounter anything to do with zombies, I imagine massive flocks of seagulls following the zombies around, and it's hard not to start giggling. Which is generally not the intended reaction to a horror movie.

So next time you see seagulls, take a moment to stop and appreciate them. Give them a nod of appreciation. They might someday save your life.**

Just don't loosen your grip on your ice cream cone.

The anti-zombie training regimen has already begun.

*The article is actually over a year old - and yes, I know that reposting Old Things on the internet is a crime more terrible than selling drugs, or stealing someone else's parking spot when they have their blinker on. But just in case you haven't read the article, give it a look. It's hilarious, but I wouldn't recommend watching the videos unless you have a strong stomach.

**But for the love of all that's holy, do not feed them. Seriously. Fritos are not part of any animal's natural diet. 

On interviews

 Every so often, I make the mistake of taking a step back and trying to think of all the things that make up a truly amazing book. Plot, characters, and idea are just one thing. Then there's pacing, setting, dialogue, believability, authenticity, prose, marketability… it's sort of like a juggling act with every object in your kitchen, including the kitchen sink, except your blindfolded and all the objects are imaginary and you're never even sure whether you caught them…

Or something.

Good advice in any of those areas is like precious gold. This week, I came across an article at one of my favorite book review sites, Dear Author. The article, written by bestselling contemporary romance author Julie James. In the article, Julie discusses the way in which she conducted research for her latest book.

http://dearauthor.com/features/interviews/julie-james-and-the-art-of-interviewing/

It's a short read, and a lot of fun. Julie has a good list of interview questions that she asks that go beyond the obvious.

The best part of the article for me is not necessarily the tips, but the encouragement to be brave. I'm not normally a shy person, but the thought of calling a stranger out of the blue and asking for such a big favor terrifies me. But Julie reminds us of a couple of important things at the end of the article:

1. People like talking to authors, and it's very flattering in general to be interviewed.  

2. No one will criticize you for getting things too "right."

3. Really, the worst they can do is say no.

I still hate calling strangers on the phone, but it's nice to remember that most other people are happy to help if you ask nicely.  

Of course, here's where being a fantasy author has its disadvantages. I can't exactly go visit a magic school to learn what classes are really like, or interview dragons on what's really so fascinating about gold (copper is shiny too! And a prettier color).

If, like me, you're not yet bold enough to cold call the FBI, remember that a lot of the people around you also probably don't mind being interviewed by authors. We each have our own unique repository of experiences and information.  For example, if you need to know pretty much anything about ecology, or North American birds, I'm a good one to ask.

And because I haven't had a picture in this post yet, here's one of my favorite birds, a cedar waxwing.

You could also interview me on life working for the federal government, or what it's actually like to be the poor kid at a rich high school.

So on which subjects could you offer expertise?

Tea and confidence make everything better

Ever since I discovered that the deadline for the Dark Faith anthology was at the end of this month and not at the end of March, I've been working on the story every night.  Unfortunately, as mentioned in a previous post, my writing discipline hasn't been good lately, so though I'm better at sitting down to write, my trouble now is staying focused.

I'm currently working on the characters. I tend to come up with plot ideas first rather than characters.  Actually, I feel like I'm really weak in characterization skills (looks hopefully at fellow Prosers in case one of them might make a post with great character development tips).

 I couldn't think of a picture appropriate for this topic, so instead, 

please enjoy this photo I took of baby shorebirds snuggling in their nest.

  

 Anyway, it's been a while since I've started a new story, and though I'd like to think that my writing has improved over the past year, I still have those stereotypical writer's self-confidence issues.  By Monday, I'd reached Level 2 in the Five Stages of Writer Insecurity:

1) I never have any good ideas

2) I have an idea, but it sucks, and it will never become a story

3) I have a first draft, but I hate it, and it will never become a final draft

4) I have a final draft, and it's terrible, and no critiquer will ever like it

5) My critiquers didn't hate the story, but they found 100 million flaws and I'll never be able to fix the story and no one will ever publish it.

I wrote the following on Monday night:

"Mind you, those are just the deepest parts of the valley.  Trouble is, it takes a lot of effort to get out of those valleys, and when I'm down there, it seems like I'll never get out again. I invariably move on – a few months ago, I was sure I'd never, ever be able to come up with the faintest idea for this anthology (stage 1).  But boy, is it ever dark down here right now."

The whole thing is a little silly.  By Tuesday night, I was out of the valley and coming up with ideas faster than I could type.  Anyway, now it's Thursday night, and I'm still planning, going in 100 different directions at once. But the self-doubt is still seething around down there.  I wish I could make it go away completely, but until I figure that out, I'll have to take the same route I did on Monday night.

-Drink lots of tea

-Pet the cat

-Keep writing, no matter how hopeless I feel.